Wetsuits are Dangerous!

I am not only talking about the damage that can be done to your ego but physical damage as well! Last night’s experience really surpassed even my worst expectations.

Ok so..HF and I meet and head over to the scuba shop where we were meeting her BF for the big purchase. We were headed to a shop called Friendly Waters so the name alone had already put me at ease. I envisioned a bright and cheerful surf shop filled with flowered shorts, Rip Curl posters, beach boys playing on the radio…ok maybe I am exaggerating a bit but I was not expecting Friendly Waters.

We made our way to this nondescript building that looked like an abandoned office building. When we entered, it was basically a small shopping mall with really random stores: dancing shoe manufacture, non-surgical tummy tucks, a whisky store (Singapore is filled with these type of random shopping centers). After a “where the hell is this place” call to BF we find FW. The place was about the size of my kitchen in Brooklyn and crammed with scuba equipment…not a poster or surf video in sight!

I jump right over to the wetsuit rack and I notice a doorway to my right …what’s through the doorway???…a closet converted into a fully stocked bar with a bartender! Interesting! I start working my way through the wetsuit rack and happen upon a pink and black one..perfect I thought..nice and girly. I take it off the rack and proclaim “this to be my suit!” The wetsuit expert came over looks at the suit then looks at me..looks at the suit then looks at me and says TOO SMALL! You need a size XX I am not going to even write the size because it was about 4 sizes bigger than what I usually wear!! Shot to the ego #1. He managed to find my size in the Lane Bryant section of the store and I was ready to try on..ok so where are the fitting rooms?? Where else?? the bar of course! HF and I were lead into the bar, the bartender kicked out and we were instructed to “Keep the lights off or the whole street will see you naked” Great!

Those of you who have had the “pleasure” of pushing and pulling yourself into a wetsuit knows the drama of the next 15 minutes of my life but we managed to get in and both were immediately told..that the suits did not fit..try another. Ego hit #2. At this point we were both starting to sweat profusely. Suit #2…this was much harder to get on now that we were both sweating so much that it made the suits stick which made me sweat even more. This may be a good time to say that the bar, although fully stocked, had no air con.

As I slowly (very slowly) yank the suite up my body I realize that my fingers are killing me…I had managed to actually take the skin off of my two middle fingers on both hands trying to get this fing suit on my body!!!! I was like Helen can you believe this!! This suit better be the one! Out we both walk again hair a mess, faces red and wet with sweat. Helen’s inspection is first..she has a winner! Me..nope not the right fit. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE F’ING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!!!! Ego hit # 3. I actually whimpered and stated I just could not get back in the sweatbox and attempt another suit. The expert searched through the racks for the right fit then mysteriously went into the bar and came back with #3. The hope of wearing a ladylike, hot little number was out the window this was black and blue and MANLY.

Helen, already stripped out of her suit, promised to help me try #3 since I could barely grip anything because I had blisters on my hands for this horrible experience. So there we are in the dark bar, H in just a skirt and bra, me in just my underwear and we start the process again this time I was so sweaty it was disgusting…we were both pushing and pulling, skin lumping in really unattractive ways and then IT happened….our friendship reached a whole new level…as she was “working” on the bottom of the right leg of my suit and me on the left (remember I am sweaty, and pratically naked) I take a big yank of the suit and my sweaty hip rubs right across her face!! We both started laughing so hard that I almost peed my wetsuit. After the fits of laughter, Helen being the good friend she is continued to be an active participant and finally I heard the sweet sound of ziiiiiiippppppp and as Barney would say I was suited up! I got myself together, took a deep breath and thought if this dosen’t work diving is just not for me. I’ll just sit on the beach in my easy to get on and off bathing suit!! Thankfully I got the thumbs up and am now the proud owner of a very expensive, very manly wetsuit. I freaking better like this sport!

As I sit here typing I have to laugh and I am constantly reminded of the evening as I look down and see my blistered knuckles which make me look like I am a contestant on my favorite show The Contender.